|Back in high school,
we had a friend named Stuart. Actually, I didn't know Stuart too
well, but a couple of my friends hung out with him regularly.
From a distance, I did get to learn two things about Stuart: he
was the most high-strung individual on the planet and he looked
like the Pillsbury Doughboy (with hair).
Another friend of mine named Franky
used to hang out at Stuart's house every once in awhile. Most of
the time, the evening would end with Franky getting thrown out
for insulting Stuart. This would lead to Franky telling me the
story the next day and me laughing so hard that I almost wet my
Let me set the scene for you:
Stuart lived in the refurbished basement of his parents' home.
It had a bathroom and a door which led to the backyard. These
are important details.
One night, Franky had to use the
bathroom while Stuart was playing around on his computer. As he
stood there relieving himself, Franky looked up toward the
ceiling and noticed a loose tile, so he hopped up on the sink
and tried to pop the tile back into place. Before he could get
down, the tile fell on his head along with a huge stack of porno
magazines. Two titles jumped out at him: "Backdoor Sluts" and a
gay one called "Hardhat Humpers."
Franky scrambled to pick them up,
placing the magazines on the tile and the tile back into the
hole in the ceiling. Franky comes whistling out of the bathroom,
no doubt making some sort of comment about how he just pissed a
gallon in record time. He sits down on the couch behind Stuart
and starts chatting.
About a half hour later, Franky
makes his move. He says to Stuart: "I've never noticed that you
have a door down here. Where does it go?"
Stuart replies that it goes to
"Ah," says Franky, "So if a nasty
chick walked in through there, she'd be a backdoor slut."
Stuart's hands freeze for a
second on the computer keyboard. He doesn't say a word.
About another hour goes by.
Franky is still sitting behind Stuart who is typing away on the
"Hey, they're tearing down that
old house up the road," says Franky.
Stuart responds that it's a
travesty and that the place should be a historic landmark.
Franky says, "There are a lot of
construction workers up there."
Franky continues, "I'll bet that
some of them are gay."
Uninterested, Stuart says "Yes, I
suppose that some of them may be."
Franky says, "I guess that would
make them hardhat humpers."
Stuart SPINS around in his seat
and in a high, shrieking voice, he SCREAMS: "THEY'RE NOT MINE, I
WAS KEEPING THEM FOR MY COUSIN!!!!!!"
Once again, Franky was thrown out
of Stuart's house only to return the following week and rub
pizza on the curtains.... But that is another story for another