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Hardhat Humpers and Backdoor Sluts

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Back in high school, we had a friend named Stuart. Actually, I didn't know Stuart too well, but a couple of my friends hung out with him regularly. From a distance, I did get to learn two things about Stuart: he was the most high-strung individual on the planet and he looked like the Pillsbury Doughboy (with hair).

Another friend of mine named Franky used to hang out at Stuart's house every once in awhile. Most of the time, the evening would end with Franky getting thrown out for insulting Stuart. This would lead to Franky telling me the story the next day and me laughing so hard that I almost wet my pants.

Let me set the scene for you: Stuart lived in the refurbished basement of his parents' home. It had a bathroom and a door which led to the backyard. These are important details.

One night, Franky had to use the bathroom while Stuart was playing around on his computer. As he stood there relieving himself, Franky looked up toward the ceiling and noticed a loose tile, so he hopped up on the sink and tried to pop the tile back into place. Before he could get down, the tile fell on his head along with a huge stack of porno magazines. Two titles jumped out at him: "Backdoor Sluts" and a gay one called "Hardhat Humpers."

Franky scrambled to pick them up, placing the magazines on the tile and the tile back into the hole in the ceiling. Franky comes whistling out of the bathroom, no doubt making some sort of comment about how he just pissed a gallon in record time. He sits down on the couch behind Stuart and starts chatting.

About a half hour later, Franky makes his move. He says to Stuart: "I've never noticed that you have a door down here. Where does it go?"

Stuart replies that it goes to the backyard.

"Ah," says Franky, "So if a nasty chick walked in through there, she'd be a backdoor slut."

Stuart's hands freeze for a second on the computer keyboard. He doesn't say a word.

About another hour goes by. Franky is still sitting behind Stuart who is typing away on the computer.

"Hey, they're tearing down that old house up the road," says Franky.

Stuart responds that it's a travesty and that the place should be a historic landmark.

Franky says, "There are a lot of construction workers up there."

Stuart grunts.

Franky continues, "I'll bet that some of them are gay."

Uninterested, Stuart says "Yes, I suppose that some of them may be."

Franky says, "I guess that would make them hardhat humpers."

Stuart SPINS around in his seat and in a high, shrieking voice, he SCREAMS: "THEY'RE NOT MINE, I WAS KEEPING THEM FOR MY COUSIN!!!!!!"

Once again, Franky was thrown out of Stuart's house only to return the following week and rub pizza on the curtains.... But that is another story for another time.

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