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A few years back it was coming up on Halloween. This was during my lonely, single years, and I was hanging out with my female friend. She is very hot, and there was always a sexual tension when we got together, but we had never got involved other than her letting me masturbate in a dark room while she sat on the other end of the bed. Hey, it was company.

So we're out getting pumpkins so we can carve jack-o-lanterns and roast pumpkin seeds. It's beautiful New England fall weather; warm during the day, crisp and cool at night. We had left the pumpkins outside for the afternoon, and when we went to carve them, I noticed how warm they were inside. Reaching around inside, pulling out the innards, I commented to my friend about how much the warmth, gooeyness, and fibrous strands reminded me of a female vagina. We made some jokes about screwing food, the old George Carlin line about the FDA coming after you if you fuck food, etc. But the idea wouldn't leave my mind.

So I set aside a generous portion of the guts (sans seeds) in a bowl and put it near the fire we had going in the fireplace. We proceeded to cook a wonderful dinner, enjoy the evening, and consume copious amounts of alcohol.

As it starts getting late, she asks me when I'm going to use my new-found sex toy. I ask her if she'll join me, for scientific research purposes, and she says "of course!" So I take my bowl of warm pumpkin innards into the bedroom, get undressed, put a towel down on the bed, and off go the lights.

And I gotta tell you, it was fantastic. Basically, without going into lots of detail since this isn't Penthouse Forum... using two hands to hold the stuff, I basically did a two-hand technique. The sensation was great, the similarity as I predicted. It made a mess, and I got off wonderfully; my friend chuckled good naturedly, and before I knew it, I passed out, wonderfully spent and pleasantly intoxicated.

My friend left a short while later. I woke up in the morning, finding the oddest bedfellow ever; a small amount of drying, sticky, stinky pumpkin matter about my groin and bed. I pulled myself out of bed, cleaned up, went into the shower.

And that's when the burning began. I don't know what the chemical is in pumpkins that causes skin rash and irritation, but the shower didn't help and the burning lasted nearly a week. My friend laughed her ass off when I told her, and doubled over when I mentioned I was also stained orange down there.

I did fire an email off to JackinWorld.com as a warning, but they never printed it. The irritation went away, I made a full recovery, and I never drank and seduced produce again.

 
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