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Telemarketer Torture

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I am convinced that I receive more calls from telemarketers than anyone else on earth. I don't know whose shit list I've gotten on to receive all of these calls, but it rivals the amount of SPAM I got offering to increase my penis size when I still had a HOTMAIL account. What follows are several conversations I've had with telemarketers. I encourage you to use these or take whatever ideas you can to bug these pricks as much as they bug you:

CALLER: Is this Mister (completely butchers my name)? 

ME: Close enough. 

CALLER: I'm calling to tell you about an exciting offer we have from... 

ME: Excuse me, let me ask you a question first. 

CALLER: (Completely thrown because this part isn't in the script) Uh, okay. 

ME: What are you wearing right now? 

CALLER: Uh, heh heh. Anyway, I'm calling to tell you about... 

ME: (Dead serious) I'm serious. You're calling me so I have the right to know what you're wearing right now. I'll bet you're really SEXY!


ME: I'll bet you're a dirty little thing, aren't you! I'm touching part of my body riiiiight NOW. Guess where I'm touching. Guess, you dirty little thing!


CALLER: Mr. (Butchers my name), we have an exciting offer for you. You've been pre-approved for a Citibank Visa card with a potential limit up to $100,000! 

ME: That's AWESOME! Oh my God! I just got finished going through a bankruptcy, too! This'll really save my ass. It's not a problem that I've had a recent bankruptcy, is it? 

CALLER: Uhhhhhhhh. Let me talk to my boss....(She puts me on hold for five minutes). My boss said that we can start the paperwork and see what happens. 

ME: AWESOME! Listen, how much can I get again? 

CALLER: Between $5,000 and $100,000 

ME: Cool! Put me down for the $100,000. I need it! 

CALLER: We have to actually approve you for the amount... 

ME: Don't worry about that! Just put the shit in before my bankruptcy paperwork goes through. 

CALLER: Okay, I just need to ask you a few questions... 

ME: Hold on a sec, are you guys hiring? 

CALLER: Probably. If you don't mind moving to Minneapolis... 

ME: Jeez, anything to get out of California, I've got creditors harassing the shit out of me.

CALLER: Hello, Mr. (actually gets my name right). I'm calling on behalf of (some annoying company who timed their call to coincide with my dinner). I was wondering if you would be interested in (some crap that no one in history has ever cared about). 

ME: You're just in time. 

CALLER: (No clue) Um, good evening Mister (NOW she butchers my name and starts all over again with the script). 

ME: I'm glad you called, you're just in time. For months now, I've been trying to decide whether or not to commit suicide. I asked God to give me a sign as to whether or not I should and your call at this moment is obviously a clear signal that I should take the first step on my journey into the great beyond. 

CALLER: (Stunned silence) 

ME: Do you like Cheese Curls?


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