I am convinced that I receive
more calls from telemarketers than anyone else on earth. I don't
know whose shit list I've gotten on to receive all of these
calls, but it rivals the amount of SPAM I got offering to
increase my penis size when I still had a HOTMAIL account. What
follows are several conversations I've had with telemarketers. I
encourage you to use these or take whatever ideas you can to bug
these pricks as much as they bug you:
CALLER: Is this Mister
(completely butchers my name)?
ME: Close enough.
CALLER: I'm calling to tell you
about an exciting offer we have from...
ME: Excuse me, let me ask you a
CALLER: (Completely thrown
because this part isn't in the script) Uh, okay.
ME: What are you wearing right
CALLER: Uh, heh heh. Anyway,
I'm calling to tell you about...
ME: (Dead serious) I'm serious.
You're calling me so I have the right to know what you're
wearing right now. I'll bet you're really SEXY!
ME: I'll bet you're a dirty
little thing, aren't you! I'm touching part of my body
riiiiight NOW. Guess where I'm touching. Guess, you dirty
CALLER: Mr. (Butchers my name),
we have an exciting offer for you. You've been pre-approved
for a Citibank Visa card with a potential limit up to
ME: That's AWESOME! Oh my God!
I just got finished going through a bankruptcy, too! This'll
really save my ass. It's not a problem that I've had a recent
bankruptcy, is it?
CALLER: Uhhhhhhhh. Let me talk
to my boss....(She puts me on hold for five minutes). My boss
said that we can start the paperwork and see what
ME: AWESOME! Listen, how much
can I get again?
CALLER: Between $5,000 and
ME: Cool! Put me down for the
$100,000. I need it!
CALLER: We have to actually
approve you for the amount...
ME: Don't worry about that!
Just put the shit in before my bankruptcy paperwork goes
CALLER: Okay, I just need to
ask you a few questions...
ME: Hold on a sec, are you guys
CALLER: Probably. If you don't
mind moving to Minneapolis...
ME: Jeez, anything to get out
of California, I've got creditors harassing the shit out of
CALLER: Hello, Mr. (actually
gets my name right). I'm calling on behalf of (some annoying
company who timed their call to coincide with my dinner). I
was wondering if you would be interested in (some crap that no
one in history has ever cared about).
ME: You're just in time.
CALLER: (No clue) Um, good
evening Mister (NOW she butchers my name and starts all over
again with the script).
ME: I'm glad you called, you're
just in time. For months now, I've been trying to decide
whether or not to commit suicide. I asked God to give me a
sign as to whether or not I should and your call at this
moment is obviously a clear signal that I should take the
first step on my journey into the great beyond.
CALLER: (Stunned silence)
ME: Do you like Cheese Curls?